Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Legitimate Business

We here at Crogabond are people that you may not expect as businessmen. Hell, some people may even think of us as some little bastards that live in their rooms and think farts are funny (Aha! Farts)! But no, we are actual business men and get paid a jillion dollars a milisecond for breathing, and a krillion dollars for every syllable we write in this fine blog-establishment.

We are not merely kids that have nothing better to do. Here is a picture of me, the CEO of this fine corporation:

This is me, wearing business goggles, obviously showing that I am a business man. I am agape here because they show you the future, where Harrison Ford is made of jelly, music is made of caramel and Kevyn and I are sitting on a couch surrounded and up to our hips with rats, bats and batrats, and we are both screaming about how lovely John Romero's breasts are.

Not enough proof? I have one of these business things on my desk, too:

This shows that I am mature and I am first class and top of the line in the business world. Sometimes I find it a quite useless trophy, as I have many trophies given to me by the gods of good will and business legitimacy, so I just use it as a sandwich-holder.

There is also jam on that top sandwich, and jam is a show of legitimacy. So you should think twice before you be getting that disgusting peanut butter shit on your sandwich.

So, getting to the point, since we are a legitimate business and all, I therefore call upon you to line up and give as as much caramel as you can get your working class hands on. In the near future, Kevyn and I are moving to Mexico and going to make it big as professional musicians and then I will become Caramelorka, lord of the late night caramel blues.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Games I enjoy that weren't already mentioned

Because some of those mentioned provided great entertainment for me, especially how hilariously racist Punch-Out seems to be. Some games that I played during the course of this year that did not cause me internal hemorrhaging are as follows.

(Jace here. For Kevyn, the games didn't have to come out this year for him to play them, so don't complain to us saying that some of these games weren't released this year. Get fucked.)

10. Indiana Jones and The Staff of Kings.
Namely it's co-op mode, which allows skilled people such as myself to breeze through it with a competent buddy in an hour, and creatures like Jace to cause the game to freeze because it is sick of these kids being stuck on the tank driving part for 3 hours.

9. Meteos.
Played it, enjoyed it for a bit. It takes a basic puzzle game and wraps it up with so many delightful variations. I wish they would do the same deal with Tetris, which I have taken under my wing, next to my heart, and close to my balls.

8. Half-Life 2.
I finally finished it not so long ago, after getting halfway through on another computer and my ps3. Super-powered Gravity Gun is the best present ever.

7.Left 4 Dead.
Was convinced to get it at a bargain price. It's more fun when playing it with friends, and now I have a microphone so that should be even more fun. If I try to play it with foreign peoples, I miss the first half of the level because it is loading, while all the people that are actually playing have a good time shooting dem zombies.

6.Evil Genius.
Got this only the other day. It's only $2 on steam, or near enough. It makes all the things that evil geniuses do make sense. The game makes you want to do what James Bond villains do, as it should. It's kind of the opposite of Freedom Force in many respects, namely that it is good. (Freedom Force is a great game; Kevyn sucks.)

5.Final Fantasy VII
I bought it off o' dem play-stay-shun networks. I like me some Final Fantasy, the first contact I had with it was through Kingdom Hearts. For I am BUT A CHILD.

4.Beatles Rockband
Satisfying to play, and to sing along to. I always thought I would never understand the whole Guitar Hero thing until I could play "Guitar Hero: They Might Be Giants" with an accordion controller. This is best at the moment.

Made by Sucker Punch, who did Sly Cooper, a game which I loved to it's little bitsies. I Was kind of disappointed at how gritty this new venture seemed to be, but it plays well, if ridiculously implausible at times.

2.Brutal Legend
It's short, but it is just fun to play. Imagine if Grand Theft Auto was fun (Grand Theft Auto is a great game; Kevyn sucks.). Then it could be this game. You just drive around in this pretty world filled with all these great characters. Also, summoning a burning zeppelin.

1.Let's Kevyn: Kevyn of the year edition
Of course it comes as no surprise that Let's Kevyn reigns in the number one spot. Everyone is playing it, everyone is talking about it. It is getting perfect scores from sites all over the place, and this one is no exception. I also happen to be the absolute best player of it. Let's Kevyn continues to be the best selling game ever, and is slated to become a blockbuster hit in Hollywood by next year. (Here Kevyn means the videogame "Lets Tap!" which is on the Nintendo Wii. It's shit.)

Some stuff

Happy box your shit day! Other websites may stop at the holiday season to be with their family, but Crogabond told us that families are for whiny pussy-breaths. Of course, we didn't believe him, but then he killed us. So that sucks.

Anyway, I updated the website in a couple of ways you won't notice. I just changed the timezones for our posts to our actual time we post it (Melbourne and Sydney time), and some other little things.

I'll be going back down to Melbourne to stay with Kevyn for a couple of weeks soon, so expect some more exciting content then. It will be exciting, let me tell you. The tags hold some mysterious clues.

Also, I won't be doing a big top games of 2009 mega-thing. Sorry. I actually wrote ALL OF IT out, but then I thought to myself. "This isn't what Crogabond is about!" I pondered, hastening the pace as my hand stroked my hard cock. "Crogabond isn't about lists! EAAARGHH!" At that point I came and passed out for four hours. So I decided I didn't want to do it. HOWEVER, I will now write what my top games are, just if you are curious, and next to them write down why they are.

This was really tough for me, and my opinions may not reflect yours, as shit as they are. This goes in descending order.

10. Mario & Luigi Bowser's Inside Story - Another quirky adventure in the RPG series. Maybe ran on for a bit long, but it is so quirky that I could not not give it a place.
9. Borderlands - Fun multiplayer game with a trillion guns to play with. Maybe got a bit stale for me, but it was great while it lasted.
8. MadWorld - Super-fucking-bloody-oh-my-god-my-eyes game that was just fun and satisfying to play. Throwing a dude into a shredder with a signpost through his head never felt so good. The commentators are fantastic too.
7. Punch-Out!! - Maybe playing through this with Kevyn gave it more of an effect for me. Quirky, funny characters and nostalgic gameplay make this one. If you can't beat a guy, you can practice against a hologram version to master his moves, so the next time you face him you'll come out on top. It is one of the most gratifying things ever.
6. AaaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaAAAAA!!! - A Reckless Disregard for Gravity - Game I didn't expect to like so much. It has an internet, meme-ish style of humor that you don't see in other games. The next Peggle or Bejeweled for me, I just play it all the dang time.
5. Torchlight - This is the game I have played the most this year. A dungeon crawler, it just feels like a casual thing to play. You jump in, kill some monsters, get some gold, maybe level up, and jump out. If only it was that simple.
4. Left 4 Dead 2 - Everything a sequel should be. More guns, more gore, more levels, and the nice addition of melee weapons and some new items.
3. Time Gentlemen, Please! - One of the best adventure games I've ever played. The puzzles are fun and can be challenging, but not challenging enough to offend your grandma. The humor hits me in just the right spot and sometimes makes me laugh until I can't breath no mores.
2. New Super Mario Brothers Wii - When I first played this, I found it horrible. Nothing new to the Mario series, except co-op. And then I realized that really is the point of the game. Mario Wii doesn't try to do anything new or innovative, but it delivers on what is advertised: It is a Mario game that you can play with three other people. And I wouldn't want anything more.
1. Batman Arhkam Asylum - This came as a late edition, only bought this a few weeks ago, but it is a fantastic game. It is fun to be stealthy and take out your enemies one by one, until there is one poor little bastard left scared shitless, it is fun to take out a gang of enemies with Batman's martial arts, and it is just fun to move Batman around. The villains of the game are interesting and cool, and whatever Batman does in the game looks bad-ass. This is not a game you want to miss.

So, yeah! You might hate my decisions but, well, fuck you. Those are just mine and I'm sticking to them. If I talk to Kevyn and ask him what his favorite games are, I might put them up here too. But we'll see!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Space Scaries

Lookit me! I gone done one of these newfangley ill-us-tray-shuns. I expect this is what future stuff will be like, we will just have to see that I am up to the task, and hone my skills.
Comic coming before Christmas. Hold on to your baby makers.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Woo! I made another one! Half-an-hour of fun! It is a bit better than the last one. Have a look! I think I did a pretty swell job, being a very, awfully big rookie.

Ben Hutchings
Something Awful Christmas Album

Just realised there is now another Christmas Album of Awful in that there SA thread! I am gonna give it a download, you should download that one too I guess.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Crogcast Episode 0

Hello! I got a microphone and some audio equipment and decided to test the thing that me and Kevyn have been planning. It is kind of shit, but listen to it anyway to make me feel better. Click here, britches!

EDIT: Forgot to mention, the end song is the Final Battle Castlevania song made by XOC, which is also in The Beginning Of The End album he has.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Why we haven't posted (and we are going to)

Hello. Kevyn and I have not posted in some time! This is because some things have been happening. December and January should be busy months for us, though! Some reasons:

1. Kevyn has been on camp, and almost drowned.
2. I got a little jobbie-dealie as a tester for Dejobaan Games.
3. We are both awfully lazy.

Here are things that will happen:
1. Jace's (and maybe Kevyn's) best and worst games of 2009
2. A very Crogabond Christmas

So look forward to it, I guess!