Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Alfalfa and Shoe: Here Is A Second Chapter, Right Here

Alfalfa kept with the light talk with Shoe as they dragged on through the desert. Oh, Shoe's talking again.
"I think I can see a thing."
"I... I can see a thing. Over there."
"Ho-you know what?"
"Okay then."
"I can see a thing."
"I can see it too."
They looked over the mound of sand and saw a gigantic civilization. The biggest Alfalfa had ever seen, and maybe never see again, depending on how many cities he sees that span across what looked like the whole world. Alfalfa has only seen a handful of cities, but decided that this was earth. Alfalfa was wrong. While everything located in this city is much like what is located in cities on the planet Earth, there are some very critical differences between the people of Earth and the people of Grondon. The difference which we will discover soon.

Alfalfa slowly held up his right hand and looked at it for several moments. He then waved it across his eyes a couple of times. He then did this with his left hand.
"How's it going, Alfie?" Shoe looked up confusingly at Alfalfa, or as confusingly as a shoe can look up at someone. "What are you doing?"
Alfalfa dropped his left arm and shrugged. "I don't know. C'mon, lets get going."
Shoe tried to mimic Alfalfa's hand movements. For reasons sadly obvious, he could not.

At a closer look, the city was fabulous. Buildings sprung up as high as the eye could look, water fountains gracefully spitting water at nearby civilians. It also looked as if a foreign parade was afoot, as there were people in dragon suits running about the streets and Asian music playing to their moves. Everything was regular in this sprawling city and Alfalfa could not be more delighted. He sprang forward very quickly, so excited his feet didn't even realize it had a heavy ball and chain attached to it, and drank as much water as his body could withstand from the fountain.

After thirty seconds of the happiest drinking ever, Alfalfa realized the whole town had become silent. He slowly raised his head to his left, and everyone was staring agape at him. A baby that was previously crying slowly stopped and looked directly at his feet.

He tried to say "What's wrong?" but instead he blurted out a mouthful of water onto the concrete. The baby started crying again. Three police officers pushed their way through the crowd. Alfalfa looked at their feet, and noticed that they were all shuffling and scraping their shoes across the ground. Alfalfa realized that everyone in the town was doing this.

Two of the officers stopped in front of Alfalfa and the third went behind him and handcuffed him. The officer on the right of Alfalfa was looking disgusted at Alfalfa's feet. "Son," the officer on the left talked in a formal but unnerved voice, as if to say 'Everything is under control but my sanity might not be'. "We are placing you under arrest for usage of suspicious black magic." Alfalfa breathed in to scream in outrage, but the cops pushed him over before he could begin, and Alfalfa was out cold. The last things Alfalfa remembered were the cops dragging him on the ground by his handcuffs, the horrified yelling of "They're back! Forget this kid, run!" from one of the cop's voices, and thousands of screaming, footsteps and then doors shutting.

In Alfalfa's subconscious, he could hear cawing.

Monday, January 11, 2010

In Which I Die Horribly In Dungeon Crawlers, Episode One

Dungeon Crawlers; a guilty pleasure of mine. I usually have no clue how to play them properly, and I die a whole bunch. [Fun Fact from Kevyn: Every time I play Nethack my character dies of food poisoning. EVERY TIME.]

I think they are fun though. A unique thing about most dungeon crawlers is that when you die, you ain't coming back. You're toast. While this may seem frustrating, it is actually fun to see how horribly or how cool your character can die. I have been playing a game called Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup that I quite like, which you can play here. I have decided to write down all the note-worthy deaths I have had in the game. Here goes!

Cargoschrub the Kenko smugly (well, as smug as a thing with a beak could get) walked down the long corridor, hefting his axe up and down in time with his walking pace. He was having no trouble making it through these dungeons. He slaughtered anything that happened to be a thing, and felt pretty good about himself flying and dodging over any traps that get in his way. He also found a cool amulet. Amulets are cool.

These are very good reasons for him to be smug, but he is feeling very good about himself for scaring the wits out of a poor little Goblin horde that was going to attempt to horribly kill Cargoschrub. They had a very swift and decided change of plans when they charged into the room to ambush him and saw that he was pulling the spine out of a fellow Goblinite's leg and eating it. Cargoschrub stopped in politeness and walked over to greet the Goblins with an axe to the dick, but the whole horde scattered in fear to any hiding place they could salvage. Although Cargoschrub did not get the chance to annihilate any of them, he was delighted to witness a Goblin stumble right into a bear trap it probably set down. Dumb shits.

Cargoschrub peered down the dark corridor and spotted a quaint blue wizard, unmoving in the next room. Cargoschrub was awfully confident though, and thundered towards the cloaked man. The wizard chuckled, and just as Cargoschrub blindly swung his axe in the man's direction, he vanished. There was a silence, and the bird-man scratched his head. "What the fuAUUUUGHH!" An inexplicable object crashed into the back of his head, and he toppled forwards. Cargoschrub quickly steadied and looked carefully around the room. Nothing. Silence. He stood still for a moment, and slowly tiptoed around to see if anything queer was still around. He supposed the wizard threw something to distract him and then ran off. Cargoschrub started to walk into another narrow corridor.

Just as he thought he was completely safe, many projectiles, fireballs he thought, bombarded him from all over. Battered and bruised, he started to run, and made it to the end of the corridor. The fireballs had stopped. Cargoschrub put his back against the wall and made a deep sigh of relief, which he could not completely finish thanks to the sword that quickly shot straight through his gut and out the other side. The wizards hands and his long sword had shot straight out of the wall. The last things that Cargoschrub remembered is the wizards loud chucking, and a realization.

The wizard is the dungeon.

Saturday, January 9, 2010


HELLO! HEY! HI! Here I am! On this camera! Right here!

I decided that, hey, you are reading my shit, so why not SEE me write the thing you are reading. Since I am the dizziggity diggity dog, homes, I'll try it! I will get right to it!

Hmm... Um. Give me a few minutes. Let me... just...

What the hell is that?


hreeeee ,na flkmvc j nmv

Ow... shit. God.

What... what the fuck was that?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Peter Wong from Hong Kong

Once upon a time I received an e-mail from a lovely Peter Wong:

"Subject: Good day
Good day
I am Mr.Peter Wong,from Hong Kong.I have a deceased client funds in my bank i need you to front as beneficiary,If
interested contact me for more information via: jpeterwong4@yahoo.com.hk
Mr. Peter."

As you can see, he signs with his first name there. But that's just how they do it in Hong Kong.
Naturally I wasn't very interested in his offer, but it would be rude to just send him away. I quickly wrote back:

"Good day to you to.

I am Mrs Pew Cork, from New York. I am delighted to meet you, and wonder if you would care to come over some time, so we can play a game of Uno with my friends Wayne from Spain and Lamnam Chrisco from San Fransisco. Looking forward to talking to you in the future.

Sincerely Mrs Pew."

Unfortunately I never received a reply. Perhaps Mr. Peter Wong (from Hong Kong) didn't think I was being entirely sincere. I suppose some people just won't take up offers from strange e-mail addresses. It's a shame, really.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Alfalfa and Shoe: This Is The First Chapter


“Oh man.” Sighed Alfalfa. It had been a long day. First off, he was in a desert. So, you know, that sucks. Second, he was attached to a god damn ball and chain, and proceeding to walk through a whole desert with it clamped onto his ankle.
And thirdly, he was chatting with a loud-mouthed shoe. Whose name is, remarkably, Shoe. Things are not super great for Alfalfa.

Shoe continued to hop across the desert with Alfalfa. “You know what this place needs?”
There was a silence. Alfalfa spoke. “What does this place need, then?” Alfalfa muttered “Christ.” under his breath.
“I was just thinking, you know, water? This place could use some water.” Shoe thought for a moment. “To keep us alive.”
“I don’t really think the desert cares if you are in need with a beverage, even if you weren’t a, uh. A shoe.
As they walked, they could faintly see how far the desert goes. From what they could see, it isn’t ending anytime soon. Or later. Alfalfa cursed.
Shoe shuffled around a bit. “The desert is mean, man.”
Alfalfa kept looking at the distance they must travel. “I know, little buddy.”

Chapter One
Jeeves stared hard at the giant skyscraper before him. He dared not go in after that poor young man that entered the tower several hours before. All anyone knows about the tower is a) Doctor Quinks made it, and b) Doctor Quinks is a loony, and hardly anyone took part in or interfered in any of his strange experiments, like that boy just did. The Doctor told the kid to go into the building for a test, and Quinks said he would be greatly awarded. So, of course the boy did. The boy, who the authorities have called ‘Alfalfa’ has not come out. Police didn’t dare go in there, and are calling him a lost cause. Inspector Jeeves wanted to know more about this building and wanted to know what this building does and what it did to this Alfalfa kid. Jeeves backed away from the building and headed to Doctor Quinks’ laboratory.

Quinks laughed manically to himself. He was panicking just a while before, but luckily he had just discovered a way to get the lad out of that Gateway Building he had made. It would be completely safe, and no one, including Alfalfa, would get hurt. It is too bad that in the next paragraph, Jeeves will come crashing into the Doctor’s laboratory and interrogate him about the Gateway by smashing Doctor Quinks’ interstellar teleporter with an old pipe he found on Endings Street. But, it is a good thing Doctor Quinks is savoring his creation while it lasts, and should be pleased that things have been going well until now.

Jeeves kicked Doctor Quinks’ door down, and with a rusty pipe he found on Endings Street, interrogated the Doctor about the strange building. Of course, Quinks could not tell him anything. Jeeves threatened Quinks by saying that he will smash this device in front of him. Quinks could not tell him anything. Jeeves started to smash the machine, and would continue until Quinks would tell him something. But Quinks, of course, could not tell him anything. Although, Quinks could, in fact, tell him that Jeeves just destroyed the one machine that could bring Alfalfa safely back to Earth, and reality itself. And Quinks did tell him.
“Aw, nuts.
“So now I have to find another way to save the lad. Thanks. You jerk.”
“Why didn’t you tell me in the first place? I mea-“
“You didn’t ask.”
They stood silently for a moment.
“Can you make anothe-“
“No. Cost me thousands of dollars to make that teleporter you just smashed.”
“So I guess we will have to find another way to get him out of there. You have any other ideas?”
“Well I did, until you broke it.”
“Well, there has to be another gadget in here that will-“
“Nope.” He thought for a second. “Well, I have a rope. I guess.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Oh, okay. Then nope.”
Jeeves slapped his forehead. This is going to be an awfully long day.