Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The spreading fields of Jackie Chan

Now I know what you are all thinking; "When is Jace going to create the most epic piece of music ever to exist upon this humble earth?"
The answer is: Some minutes ago, and in fact I have it for you now.
One thing is very important when you listen to this tune, try not to shit your pants because of how good it is. One minute you are gliding across the Jackie Chan fields like an eagle, the next you are battling Jackie Chan against evil, laying siege to Jackie Chan Castle on the outskirts of Jackie Chan village. I asked Jace for brief comment on how he came up with this incredible musical experience.

" So there I was, in the bathroom peeing in the sink and masturbating to see what happens, when I thought "WHAT IF I SUNG "JACKIE CHAN" TO THE HYRULE FIELD SONG" And here we are."

Here we are indeed, Jace! Here on the fields of Jackie Chan!

(Be careful not to blow your mind)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Of Possums and Pleasure

Kaatridge: We might be getting a possum, and I am naming it if so apparently. Neato.
Soyvoyage: Call it "Cuntsucker"
Kaatridge: I don't think it will live up to it's name, though. It is bound not to suck many cunts.
Soyvoyage: Unless you trained it!
Kaatridge: I'm not going to train it to suck cunts.
Soyvoyage: Why not!? The girls would love you for it.
Kaatridge: I don't want the girls to love me for having a possum that can suck their baby holes.
Soyvoyage: What else the fuck do you want them to love you for? Your qualities!? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, YEAH RIGHT.
The only way you are going to get any ever, is if you teach a possum to pleasure the ladies.
It can't be that hard. Put some nuts in there or something. Possums eat nuts, don't they?
Haha, if they eat nuts, maybe you should get it to blow DUDES off! Then you wouldn't NEED the ladies to love you!
Kaatridge: I am amused.
Soyvoyage: Jiggle physics.
Kaatridge: On the possum?
Soyvoyage: Give it tits, why not.
Kaatridge: It is a girl possum
Soyvoyage: Even better! Then it will be easy to get married it won't be gay.
Kaatridge: I need to stop forgetting that I am talking to a furry.
Soyvoyage: Dude, not cool.
Kaatridge: It isn't cool at all.
Soyvoyage: This has nothing to do with me being a furry. I don't want a possum to suck me off, I am just telling YOU, tat it is a possibility.
Kaatridge: Not one I want in my future.
Soyvoyage: Your loss, buddy.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Indie Review Had Done An Poo: R.O.C.K

Hello you! I am here doing a review, for you. Because you are just gorgeous. Look at you. You have been waiting AGES for me and Kevyn to deliver some content, and here it is. Contents! There are more than one! This is a review of an independent video game, which means that it believes in itself. So lets get right fucking into this Blinky Bill of an adventure!

It is called R.O.C.K., and that stands for Radioactive One-Eyed Critter Killer. You would think I am making a joke about what it stands for, but I am not! That is what it stands for. Tragic.

So basically, in the R.O.C.K. demo you play a little man wrapped in tinfoil that is encased in gelatin. So, basically Kevyn on a Sunday afternoon. This little man, who for the purpose of this review I will name Buns, has to go around a puke green cave shooting one-eyed green blobs with his rock gun. This game may have befitted from Buns actually shooting pure rock and roll out of his pistol, but no. Fuck off. Fuck you. He just shoots rocks that are bigger than his head. You can also faff about and collect Gumby's dicks to try and claim the high score.

Throughout the whole level, the same music plays. Music? No, sorry. That isn't what it is. It is a bzzt. It is nothing and everything. It is the droning. It the the fuckity click farting on a dick. The whole thing is a constant loud beat that lasts about 5 seconds long and loops over and over until your ears want to have an intervention. It makes me wonder, really; did the sick motherfucker who made this demo and it's music think this is acceptable? It'd be better with no music at all! I would rather a man of large heritage cut off some of his pubic hairs, rub his hands together with the pubes sandwiched in between them right next to my ear while I play the game. He could even rub a bit on my face! He would giggle about it! It is certainly a better time than whatever this game's musical experience has to offer to me.

The controls is balls. Well, I'm lying to you, I'm sorry, but it might as well be a big, greasy pair of them! Jumping in the game is very quick and slippery, so you are bound to mis-jump a lot. And if that isn't bad enough, later on in the level, you get hurt by spikes and insta-killed by green goo pools. These are everywhere, and you jump them with the tiniest platforms in the world at your very disposal.

Let me tell you, the goo pools are the absolute worst. One mistake, and you are back to the start of the demo. 3 mistakes, and all your lives are out and you are back at the beginning of the demo.

Mr. R.O.C.K. developer, sir. Please learn how games work, you giant cunt.

I wonder what Mr. R.O.C.K. decided to make this game. Is it his life aspiration? To magically make shit appear out of nothing? Does he hate humanity? Does he suck dicks? Who knows. I have stopped caring now. This game sucks. I give it no Blinky Bills out of 3 Blinky Bills.

Friday, June 18, 2010


Sorry kids, about the lack of updates, but there is one great big problem we have been having. Solicitors! Lots of them. They keep on bursting into the Crogabond office and demanding that we let them solicit things, that we should stop burning down small villages in Holland for laughs, but let me tell you we have NO NEED FOR THEIR NONSENSE. While we have a tiny break from their solicitrous ways, we have uploaded this little snippet of conversation recorded between Jace and one of the many solicitors that are currently plaguing the Crogabond office.