Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Legitimate Business

We here at Crogabond are people that you may not expect as businessmen. Hell, some people may even think of us as some little bastards that live in their rooms and think farts are funny (Aha! Farts)! But no, we are actual business men and get paid a jillion dollars a milisecond for breathing, and a krillion dollars for every syllable we write in this fine blog-establishment.

We are not merely kids that have nothing better to do. Here is a picture of me, the CEO of this fine corporation:

This is me, wearing business goggles, obviously showing that I am a business man. I am agape here because they show you the future, where Harrison Ford is made of jelly, music is made of caramel and Kevyn and I are sitting on a couch surrounded and up to our hips with rats, bats and batrats, and we are both screaming about how lovely John Romero's breasts are.

Not enough proof? I have one of these business things on my desk, too:

This shows that I am mature and I am first class and top of the line in the business world. Sometimes I find it a quite useless trophy, as I have many trophies given to me by the gods of good will and business legitimacy, so I just use it as a sandwich-holder.

There is also jam on that top sandwich, and jam is a show of legitimacy. So you should think twice before you be getting that disgusting peanut butter shit on your sandwich.

So, getting to the point, since we are a legitimate business and all, I therefore call upon you to line up and give as as much caramel as you can get your working class hands on. In the near future, Kevyn and I are moving to Mexico and going to make it big as professional musicians and then I will become Caramelorka, lord of the late night caramel blues.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Games I enjoy that weren't already mentioned

Because some of those mentioned provided great entertainment for me, especially how hilariously racist Punch-Out seems to be. Some games that I played during the course of this year that did not cause me internal hemorrhaging are as follows.

(Jace here. For Kevyn, the games didn't have to come out this year for him to play them, so don't complain to us saying that some of these games weren't released this year. Get fucked.)

10. Indiana Jones and The Staff of Kings.
Namely it's co-op mode, which allows skilled people such as myself to breeze through it with a competent buddy in an hour, and creatures like Jace to cause the game to freeze because it is sick of these kids being stuck on the tank driving part for 3 hours.

9. Meteos.
Played it, enjoyed it for a bit. It takes a basic puzzle game and wraps it up with so many delightful variations. I wish they would do the same deal with Tetris, which I have taken under my wing, next to my heart, and close to my balls.

8. Half-Life 2.
I finally finished it not so long ago, after getting halfway through on another computer and my ps3. Super-powered Gravity Gun is the best present ever.

7.Left 4 Dead.
Was convinced to get it at a bargain price. It's more fun when playing it with friends, and now I have a microphone so that should be even more fun. If I try to play it with foreign peoples, I miss the first half of the level because it is loading, while all the people that are actually playing have a good time shooting dem zombies.

6.Evil Genius.
Got this only the other day. It's only $2 on steam, or near enough. It makes all the things that evil geniuses do make sense. The game makes you want to do what James Bond villains do, as it should. It's kind of the opposite of Freedom Force in many respects, namely that it is good. (Freedom Force is a great game; Kevyn sucks.)

5.Final Fantasy VII
I bought it off o' dem play-stay-shun networks. I like me some Final Fantasy, the first contact I had with it was through Kingdom Hearts. For I am BUT A CHILD.

4.Beatles Rockband
Satisfying to play, and to sing along to. I always thought I would never understand the whole Guitar Hero thing until I could play "Guitar Hero: They Might Be Giants" with an accordion controller. This is best at the moment.

Made by Sucker Punch, who did Sly Cooper, a game which I loved to it's little bitsies. I Was kind of disappointed at how gritty this new venture seemed to be, but it plays well, if ridiculously implausible at times.

2.Brutal Legend
It's short, but it is just fun to play. Imagine if Grand Theft Auto was fun (Grand Theft Auto is a great game; Kevyn sucks.). Then it could be this game. You just drive around in this pretty world filled with all these great characters. Also, summoning a burning zeppelin.

1.Let's Kevyn: Kevyn of the year edition
Of course it comes as no surprise that Let's Kevyn reigns in the number one spot. Everyone is playing it, everyone is talking about it. It is getting perfect scores from sites all over the place, and this one is no exception. I also happen to be the absolute best player of it. Let's Kevyn continues to be the best selling game ever, and is slated to become a blockbuster hit in Hollywood by next year. (Here Kevyn means the videogame "Lets Tap!" which is on the Nintendo Wii. It's shit.)

Some stuff

Happy box your shit day! Other websites may stop at the holiday season to be with their family, but Crogabond told us that families are for whiny pussy-breaths. Of course, we didn't believe him, but then he killed us. So that sucks.

Anyway, I updated the website in a couple of ways you won't notice. I just changed the timezones for our posts to our actual time we post it (Melbourne and Sydney time), and some other little things.

I'll be going back down to Melbourne to stay with Kevyn for a couple of weeks soon, so expect some more exciting content then. It will be exciting, let me tell you. The tags hold some mysterious clues.

Also, I won't be doing a big top games of 2009 mega-thing. Sorry. I actually wrote ALL OF IT out, but then I thought to myself. "This isn't what Crogabond is about!" I pondered, hastening the pace as my hand stroked my hard cock. "Crogabond isn't about lists! EAAARGHH!" At that point I came and passed out for four hours. So I decided I didn't want to do it. HOWEVER, I will now write what my top games are, just if you are curious, and next to them write down why they are.

This was really tough for me, and my opinions may not reflect yours, as shit as they are. This goes in descending order.

10. Mario & Luigi Bowser's Inside Story - Another quirky adventure in the RPG series. Maybe ran on for a bit long, but it is so quirky that I could not not give it a place.
9. Borderlands - Fun multiplayer game with a trillion guns to play with. Maybe got a bit stale for me, but it was great while it lasted.
8. MadWorld - Super-fucking-bloody-oh-my-god-my-eyes game that was just fun and satisfying to play. Throwing a dude into a shredder with a signpost through his head never felt so good. The commentators are fantastic too.
7. Punch-Out!! - Maybe playing through this with Kevyn gave it more of an effect for me. Quirky, funny characters and nostalgic gameplay make this one. If you can't beat a guy, you can practice against a hologram version to master his moves, so the next time you face him you'll come out on top. It is one of the most gratifying things ever.
6. AaaaaAAaaaAAAaaAAAAaAAAAA!!! - A Reckless Disregard for Gravity - Game I didn't expect to like so much. It has an internet, meme-ish style of humor that you don't see in other games. The next Peggle or Bejeweled for me, I just play it all the dang time.
5. Torchlight - This is the game I have played the most this year. A dungeon crawler, it just feels like a casual thing to play. You jump in, kill some monsters, get some gold, maybe level up, and jump out. If only it was that simple.
4. Left 4 Dead 2 - Everything a sequel should be. More guns, more gore, more levels, and the nice addition of melee weapons and some new items.
3. Time Gentlemen, Please! - One of the best adventure games I've ever played. The puzzles are fun and can be challenging, but not challenging enough to offend your grandma. The humor hits me in just the right spot and sometimes makes me laugh until I can't breath no mores.
2. New Super Mario Brothers Wii - When I first played this, I found it horrible. Nothing new to the Mario series, except co-op. And then I realized that really is the point of the game. Mario Wii doesn't try to do anything new or innovative, but it delivers on what is advertised: It is a Mario game that you can play with three other people. And I wouldn't want anything more.
1. Batman Arhkam Asylum - This came as a late edition, only bought this a few weeks ago, but it is a fantastic game. It is fun to be stealthy and take out your enemies one by one, until there is one poor little bastard left scared shitless, it is fun to take out a gang of enemies with Batman's martial arts, and it is just fun to move Batman around. The villains of the game are interesting and cool, and whatever Batman does in the game looks bad-ass. This is not a game you want to miss.

So, yeah! You might hate my decisions but, well, fuck you. Those are just mine and I'm sticking to them. If I talk to Kevyn and ask him what his favorite games are, I might put them up here too. But we'll see!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Space Scaries

Lookit me! I gone done one of these newfangley ill-us-tray-shuns. I expect this is what future stuff will be like, we will just have to see that I am up to the task, and hone my skills.
Comic coming before Christmas. Hold on to your baby makers.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Woo! I made another one! Half-an-hour of fun! It is a bit better than the last one. Have a look! I think I did a pretty swell job, being a very, awfully big rookie.

Ben Hutchings
Something Awful Christmas Album

Just realised there is now another Christmas Album of Awful in that there SA thread! I am gonna give it a download, you should download that one too I guess.


Sunday, December 6, 2009

Crogcast Episode 0

Hello! I got a microphone and some audio equipment and decided to test the thing that me and Kevyn have been planning. It is kind of shit, but listen to it anyway to make me feel better. Click here, britches!

EDIT: Forgot to mention, the end song is the Final Battle Castlevania song made by XOC, which is also in The Beginning Of The End album he has.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Why we haven't posted (and we are going to)

Hello. Kevyn and I have not posted in some time! This is because some things have been happening. December and January should be busy months for us, though! Some reasons:

1. Kevyn has been on camp, and almost drowned.
2. I got a little jobbie-dealie as a tester for Dejobaan Games.
3. We are both awfully lazy.

Here are things that will happen:
1. Jace's (and maybe Kevyn's) best and worst games of 2009
2. A very Crogabond Christmas

So look forward to it, I guess!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Man and The Dude: Bees

I am here at this even tonight to present "The Man and The Dude"! "The Man and The Dude" is very excited for this event, and it is what you, and all of the world, have been waiting for. "The Man and The Dude" have presented many great hip-hop hits as "Phat Beats and Fat Peeps" and "Shoot a fuck, wait I meant fuck. Wait, no, duck. Duck". "The Man and The Dude" is proud and happy to be here and everyone is satisfied and happy to see "The Man and The Dude"! So, I am very proud to present "The Man and The Dude" in surprise concert! Hopefully "The Man and The Dude"'s surprise will be "APRISED"! "The Man and The Dude", everyone!

Click for big, people! Click for big!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

KER-AZY Doctor Steinman

Everyone's favorite, the ever lovable, Doctor "He promised me pretty" Steinman!
Ah, Doctor. You may be dead in our video games, but you are alive in our hearts.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Small Worlds

Short post, I would just like to bring this to everyone's attention. It is purely just a fantastic thing (game wouldn't really be a good word to describe it) that is about the wonder and joy of exploration. The less I say about the better, so go try it. Now.

Also, short update, I think I will continue the Dog-Fighter story. I have a few good ideas in my head for it, but I would like to write some different things before I do.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


On this, the third day of the Official Crogabond Conference, a lot of progress is being made. Due to the amazing public speaking skills of our president, one by the name of Kaatridge (or Big Boss, to those of us genetically engineered soldiers with reptile themed code names) we have managed to secure a very big and extremely profitable deal. Report is as follows.
(Clicking for biggin (by which I mean huge))

Friday, October 16, 2009


The first day of the Official Crogabond Conference is underway, the Conference where we decide where the company is going, and what actions to make to keep our shareholders happy.
As ever it is our job to keep you up to date with the negotiations as they progress, thus here is a report on the first day of Official Discussions.
(Clicky for biggy)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Dog-Fighter: The Shotgun That Stole But Failed

Zebazutabutita stared Drog down, to which the Mutt replied with a stern growl. They stood several meters away from each other, and stared, both waiting to pounce. I suppose a Dog against a Shotgun is not the fairest of fights. The dog was shaking, intimidated by the large Shotgun, but then summoned the courage to dodge to the lef-BANG. Drog missed the shotgun bullets by a hair. The canine-wonder front-flipped in the air, towards the so-called "Dog-Fighter", stretched out it's front legs, and prayed.

It wasn't always this way. Before, Shotguns lived peacefully with Dogs, and knew each other well, as their continents were right next to each other. What caused this rivalry was Zebazutabutita, also known as "Dog-Fighter". He worked as an underground bounty-hunter, for the Pisstail alliance, a group of assassins that fucking hate the Dogs. Zebazutabutita is not part of this alliance, but he works for them for the cash and the women. He does not get a lot of cocking, you see.

Zebazutabutita has been doing such for years, to which the Dogs have been blaming the Shotguns for murdering their people, which has caused both continents of the country of Hebula to hate each other. Drog is here to fix this shit up.
Drog is a freedom fighter, and the only one in Hebula. He is trying to uncover what actually caused this hatred. After some serious adventures, he has found out that only one Shotgun, "Dog-Fighter" started this, but no one believed him. Now, he is determined to uncover the truth of what actually started all this controversy, while maybe finding some other team mates along the way.

Drog pounced the the barrel of the evil Shotgun, but got shaken off. A split second before Zebazutabutita shot again, Drog did the unthinkable; he did what no other Dog had the guts to do.
He bitch-slapped Dog-Hunter.

Zebazutabutita staggered backwards, and felt his barrel.
"You dented it, you motherfucker!" he screamed. "You fucking dented my barrel!"
Zebazutabutita steaded himself, and went into a battle stance.

"Oh, fuck, it's on now."

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Crogabond Surprizes.

At some point in the near future, good natured man Wayne will receive a very special prize via none other than the Australian Postal Service.
This includes:
  • The original "Geoff the robot with tourettes" comic, with added notes by Kaatridge, which he may one day be able to sell for a bag of chips or something, after convincing a drunk and incredibly gullible man that it is some variety of treasure map.
  • Baldur's Gate as supplied by Kaatridge, and which I know too little to make jokes about.
  • The extra special limited edition Crogabond bonus disc "Songs To Awkwardly Fuck Your Own Mother To" filled with songs by mostly me and with invigorating titles by Kaatridge, our lucky Wayne will soon be dancing to the likes of "Hairy Damn Legs (Short Short Problems)" and "All Chris Tuckered Out (How About You?)" I believe the title of the album contains more swearing than there is on the disc, to your dismay or delight.
  • Also just some padding. It was paper and it had peoples faces on it, but is unrelated.
Wayne won all these wonderful things just by telling us he exists! If you exist, why not tell us so! You may not get this wonderful prize, but services towards the Crogabond may see you being sent the delightful "Songs To Awkwardly Fuck Your Own Mother To" disc, which is sure to have you grooving all night long.
Leave a comment and e-mail with any questions for the Crogabond or declarations of existance. Maybe Wayne will drop us a line sometime when he receives his package! Wouldn't that be nice!

Fun Fact: At $7.20, the postage for Wayne's prize actually cost infinitely more than this website has ever made! Kaatridge tells me one day we might be earning CENTS.


Thank goodness, because if he cuts my pay anymore I will have to give him money to do my job.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Crogablomics #1

When life gives you hats, you make hard choices.

Spy sappin' mah... something. Something funny.

Once upon a place called Wicked Witch Software a lad did some work experience. There really wasn't any work for him to do, lacking any skills necessary to contribute to any projects.
Seemed as good a time as any to teach himself 3dsmax, because he had never done any 3D modeling stuff before.

Had a bit of some stuff to show after his 5 days there. Guys believed he had talent.
They paid him $50, which he used to buy The Beatles : rockband. Because it is cool.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Spiral Men

The spiraling shape will make you go insane
(Everyone wants to see that groovy thing)
But everyone wants to see that groovy thing
(Everyone wants to see that thing)
And nobody knows what it's really like
But everyone says it's great
And they heard it from the spiral in their eyes

I woke up this morning, crawled out of bed, made a cup of coffee, read the paper and then went to the bathroom to shave. And then I dropped my coffee.
I blinked. At the time, I thought I saw something around my eyelid. I blinked again. I stayed up late doing work that night, and I guessed it was just my crows' feet moving a little bit. And I was right, but not entirely accurate.

My crows' feet were actually playing dead.

It was Saturday, a day off. So, naturally, I spent my day slouching around watching the television. My weekends were usually like this. Uneventful. Sometimes I would get a call from a mate to go to the pub, but most of the time I dismiss it quickly. I couldn't be fucked.

For a long time I couldn't stop thinking about my eyes. It sort of felt like they were quivering, moving, and at one point in the day, a little bit of my vision went white, and it gave me an awful headache.
I wandered into the bathroom later than night, holding my temples with my thumb and index fingers, and got some medicine. The throbbing was pretty terrible. After I swallowed both tablets, I had a long, hard look at myself. I thought of how much of a fuck-up I was, how I haven't achieved anything I ever wanted to in my life. I swore at my reflection, a few tears running down my check. I held my hand on the sink and looked down into the plug hole. I was there for several minutes.

Then I looked up at the mirror.

My right pupil slithered.

I thought I was seeing things, and chuckled it off a bit.

And then my right pupil opened.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Hitler Likes Videogames?

It has been recorded that sometime in World War II (apparently nearing the end of it), it has been reported that Hitler may, in fact, enjoy and like videogames. The direct quote is "Shit! This is turning out worse than "E.T" on the Atari 2600!". It is said that this was recorded as Hitler was starting to lose the battle.

The press have been all over this, wondering if videogames could be the antichrist, and could be working with Hitler to start the next World War. The Government has reported that there is a man that has a moustache that resembles Hitler's in Grand Theft Auto IV. Police are searching the game for further details. It has been reported that the F.B.I is looking through Super Mario Galaxy's code, looking for words that spell out Hitler's plans.

What does that mean for us Gamers? Will we ever play a game unwatched by the Government again? Will they watch as we "pwn" "noobs" at Halo 3, and then stick our nuts in the dead person's face? Have they found us out? I will assure you, readers, that I will keep you updated. No F.B.I agent will watch me play Animal Crossing.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Why we don't post as often as you want

Soyvoyage: Knockers.
Kaatridge: Jugglies.
Soyvoyage: Wibblie wobblies.
Kaatridge: Tits.
Soyvoyage: Throbbing cock.
Kaatridge: Oh.
Soyvoyage: I mean boobc.
Soyvoyage: boobs, sorry.
Soyvoyage: They confuse me so.
Kaatridge: Umm. OK, OK. melo... listen man, I can't do this. What?
Soyvoyage: I get them confused because they spend an equal amount of time in my mouth.
Kaatridge: What the fuck was that man? Cock?
Kaatridge: Seriously? Dude.
Kaatridge: Dude.
Soyvoyage: BOOBS
Soyvoyage: C'mon man, cut me some slack.
Kaatridge: I feel kind of uncomfortable now.
Kaatridge: I'm not sure I can do this.
Soyvoyage: Look man, this doesn't usually happen.
Soyvoyage: Anyone can make mistakes.
Kaatridge: I know, but it's just... it is a kind of weird mistake.
Kaatridge: I don't... yeah.
Soyvoyage: Dude, I keep on telling you.
Soyvoyage: Confusion due to:
Soyvoyage: Time
Soyvoyage: Spent
Soyvoyage: In
Soyvoyage: Mouth.
Kaatridge: You are a weird motherfucker.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Geoff Comics #1


Kevyn and I once made a character one time when we were talking about shit I don't remember. His name is Geoff the Robot Butler with Tourettes. Here is a poem I made about him.

His name is Geoff the Robot,
programmed to be is polite and formal,
but when you see behind his stone-cold looks,
he is slightly paranormal.

He may look normal, but strange he does get,
You cannot see whats wrong? Well lets.
Are you done with your guesses? Are you done with your bets?
Well this fuckin' robot has touretts!

Wearing a tuxedo, he does not look the part.
He seems polite as a cracker and as nice as a tart!
Before you go thinking "He does not have touretts! You are not smart!"
Geoff yells "Poo, bum, dick and FART!"

He drops every glass and drops every plate,
and just when you thought you impressed your date,
your mate yells those words, and you knew your fate,
Your girlfriend dumps you at the time of eight.

You turn to your robot friend and shout "What the fuck was that all about?"
And as you're about to take him out,
"It's tourettes!" he says, and gives you a pout.

He explains that his problem really sucks,
And that he swears more than a sick duck,
you think he has explained without swearing a muck,
you see his mouth murm, his eye twitch, his neck turn,
then you find out you're out of luck, because...
Fuck, fuck fuck and FUCK!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Kevyn's Fiktion Korner #1

Alfrenzo stalked around the corner of the warehouse, bones almost bursting from his skin under the huge mass of the item he was carrying. "DAMMIT!" He rasped "THIS THING IS DAMN HEAVY!"
"Then put it down." Said a calm voice. There was a sound that would easily pursuade one to think the box had been placed upon the concrete slab that served as the floor. "I CAN"T!" blurted Alfrenzo, the veins in his forehead ready to burst out and lead lives of their own.
"Why not?" queried the voice. "MY ARMS ARE BLOODY STUCK UNDER IT!" spat Alfrenzo, in small bursts.
"Aah. That would also explain the immense pain you are experiencing."
"SOD OFF!" belted Alfrenzo excitedly.
A pair of black gloves (in this case attatched to hands, arms, and an entire body) shifted the crate off of Alfrenzo, with no small amount of effort. Alfrenzo stared in horror at the disrepair of his arms. "You should probably have that looked at." said the voice, absent mindedly. Alfrenzo slinked out into the mid-afternoon clutching painful limbs with other painful limbs. The voice removed his top hat and placed it on the ground next to him. His pinstriped pants came into view of the waning sunlight. He levered the lid of the crate off with a concealed crowbar, and leaned in to view his imported prize.
"PILLOWS!"he cried."Wait, what!?"

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Longest Analogy

Last Christmas I quite unexpectedly received a playstation3, even though I was quite happy with my wii.

It's like...
You're driving along in your groovy little Volkswagen beetle, and you're thinking about how you might get some of those fluffy dice when they become available, and how you would really like that new upholstery but it's a bit expensive. So you're driving along the life highway, stacking up little coffee cup towers and doing colouring books, when you turn into your driveway and right there, in your garage is the latest Aston Martin, complete with James Bond gadgetry.
You hop in, take it for a bit of a test drive sure, at the moment the only gadgets you have are the cup holder and ejector seat, but it has a CD player, which is nice. Anyway, you try the cup holder and it's not very good, but then you try the ejector seat. You shoot up into the air, and on the way down you see all this user created content and you hear the sweet voice of Stephen Fry.
You think; "Maybe I could just use this ejector seat forever." but then you remember; what about your life? What about your friends? What about all those crazy samba dance tracks on your cassette player in the beetle?

So you think "No, that could never work, what use is a spy car without gadgets?" so you put on some demo gadgets, the spy car grows wings, but not far enough out to fly, it emits a pleasant perfume, but for only a few seconds, leaving you wanting more, and you think; "Wow, this is pretty." but then you realize, this stuff is expensive. Maybe even expensive and you think about all the fun times you had stacking up your cheap coffee cups in the beetle, and how you got ripped off on the seats, but they were fun for everyone, so it was alright, and how you got that cassette tape of crazy mash-up songs, but it wasn't very good, and you didn't know any of the songs, so you traded it in for the crazy samba tracks, because at least you could hum along. Most of all you think about those fluffy dice, and how your interest in them seems to have faded into history, and how the upholstery you were going to get for the beetle could also fit the Aston Martin, although it would be a tad more expensive, and all in all you're very confused, because all your long term goals for the beetle have been totally undermined by the sudden and inexplicable arrival of this monolith of a machine.

You're interested though, because it will give you a chance to see what everyone has been going on about with their Ferraris. Your little beetle didn't have enough horsepower to go the same speed, and although you technically had sort of the same thing, yours was more of a billy cart then a Ferrari, and try as you might you couldn't get the same things to work for you as they did for them. Specifically the flame thrower.

Everyone loves the flamethrower it seems, it getting such great reviews from everywhere and all your friends having fun with it non-stop.
You try attaching a flamethrower to your billy-cart, but there isn't enough room on it, and it's lack of an engine makes it spurt if coughs and bursts. You could put a flamethrower on the Aston Martin. True, it would have to be retrofitted and might lose some of its extra features, but the main point is that you would have had the experience. Trouble is that's expensive. Everything is expensive and you can't find any free trials.
Things were alright when all you were building up towards the new upholstery; you had a single goal, a single dream. Now that dream has been chomped up and spat around in little bits, so only a ghostlike outline of your original intentions is visible.

But you don't have any money, so for now, it seems you're just going to muck about with the ejector seat.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Tale of Steve the Sadistic Robot.

Once there was a lad in a class who had nothing to do. So he did this:

Once there was a robot called he Steve. He was a bit of a recluse and spent most of him time writing dreary poetry and slashing his robotic wrists. This was all very easy for him, because he couldn't feel pain. He was a robot. He liked to think about pain, though he couldn't inflict pain upon himself, and his programming prevented him from inflicting pain on others.

Steve spent a lot of time doing not very violent, but almost torturous things. Like crucifying himself upside-down on a cross made out of the limbs of his obsolete previous models, and simulating his own drowning by putting himself on a long cycle in a washing machine. Steve couldn't do any real damage to himself, because he was invincible. This was an unfortunate by product of the time he spent near the Tinkers shack, where he had to recharge himself sometimes. While Steve was offline, the Tinker decided it would be the perfect time to add unneeded extras on to Steve, like giant crab claws, a giant clown wig and a giant bunny ears.
The Tinker was putting a huge cramp on Steve's emo style, and Steve made the decision that the Tinker was a massive douche.

Late on a cloudless night Steve crept into the Tinkers shack, disarming the bolted door with his crab claws. Then, utilizing some ad-hock brain surgery equipment, he planted an egg from the last living creature on the earth, the Gigantic and Incredibly Nightmare Inspiring Cuttlefish.

A few weeks later Steve awoke to the sound of tortured screams, and he was finally happy with his life.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Testicular Tuesday

I don't know. I don't know. Claus is my name. Claus Urlande. and my servant's name is Penny Chinklechange. And his servant is called by the name of Pablo Inskrefabio. And he has a servant, and I am trying to recall that guy's name too. I am totally looking at him right now, and drawing a blank. Drinkle... Di... no, whatever. Screw this.

Anyway, we have been stuck in this cave for a long time. Like, super long. It is just totally crazy how long it has been. Do you not believe me? Well okay. Go to your friend. Ask him how long totally long is. What did he answer with? That is how long I have been in here. Your friend would know, he is a pretty smart guy. Anyway, a long time. Months, years...

Days even!

I may say this, but we are going pretty okay in here. We talk, play games we make up, and talk about how hot that stick next to the big stone is. Pablo may think she has fallen for him, but she is totally right up my alley. Jeepers, look at her. Bark as brown as, uh, bark.

As for food, we have some of that. Gravel, sticks, oil and some inexplicable liquid makes up our day. May not sound appetizing, but it keeps me thin like a bottle of gin, depending if the bottle of gin is quite thin, and not like a big jug. If it was a big jug, that would be pretty awkward.
Also, Stick-next-to-big-rock's sisters are for the eating too, if you know what I mean! Rawrrr!

They are delicious.

Oh god, That Guy is trying to start a cult following again. Too bad he is but a butler of a butler of a butler. Haha! Being rich rules.

Anyway, I will have to cut this short. Tonight may be the night I will have a date with Stick-next-to-the-big-rock! I just have to talk to her about the whole eating-her-sisters thing. That would be awkward.

Claus Urlande

Crogabond jumps the shark; a dolphin's wives tale

I am running a new segment on to you; the STORIES OF LORE AND WAR. Any day I want I will be writing a story about whatever I want. The stories will have titles relating to the day and the story, and they are intended as children fairy tales. I will be posting one to the morrow, so get ready, you motherfuckers!

Get the FUCK ready.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Crogabond Fan-Mail???

Hey kids, millions of people have already sent in fan-mail to Crogabond! I cannot pick all of you, so here are some;

Dear Crogabond,
How big is your dick?
Julie Summerslideslutcunt

First of all, share some for the rest of the boys. You fucking slut. Secondly, you may not ask about crogabond's dick as it is a sacred beauty, and can never be discussed in the light of day. Also, he is very ashamed about it and is very shy.

yo crogobro

I want to be a hooker when I get older, how do you think I can get into this career????
prince of purrrrsia

Crogabond recommends you suck AS MANY DICKS AS YOU CAN. And then cut their dicks off. Then give them to crogabond.
Crogabond enjoys comparing sizes.

To Crogabond,
my friend is trying to get me to smoke. i really dont want to and i dont think he will like me anymore if i dont. what should i do?
phillips krinkleclit

Crogabond thinks you should consider the answers to the above questions.

Welp, that's one batch of fan-letters! If you want to send in some fan-mail, go fuck yourself. Or send it to legoisgod(ant)gmail(dont)com. Crogabond will wait until then.

But seriously hurry up. He doesn't like waiting that much.

What's a Crogabond?

Look, jeez, c'mon man. You want to ruin all the adeventure?
First of all, let's lay down some ground rules;
  1. Don't ask what a Crogabond is.
  2. Or I will punch you in the lumbar vertebrae.
  3. You can ask what a lumbar vertebrae is,
  4. But I won't tell you. Then I will punch in the balls.
  5. Then you will have to ask what balls are, because you don't have any.
Understood? I will tell you only one thing about the Crogabond; It exists as the coolest thing in the world, and nary a few have glimpsed upon it's glistening form. We are best buds forever, me and Crogabond, usually just chilling at it's summer retreat/dojo atop Mt. Kragtop.
( 6. I'm not telling you where Mt. Kragtop is.)
The Crogabond is everything and nothing, something and sometimes, never and very often.
Crogabond loves you.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Review: The Mario Sprite

I always thought all Mario Sprites were of the highest calibur. Pixel Perfection, from this day. Every time the big N pops out another Mario game, I always admire the charm that is displayed in their sprites, especially their main man Mario's sprite. But... I just don't know about this one.

What is the first thing you think when you see this thing? Mario? I sure as hell don't see our italian plumber in this sprite. Why is his shirt and hair coloured different? Why did Nintendo choose to do this? Who did you want this new palette to appeal to, Nintendo? Well, enough of the questions, lets just take a gander at this imposter.

First of all that putrid green colour has to go. Augh. just looking at it gives me a headache. Also, look at his boots and hands! They're just waaay too big to look normal. Before this I though Nintendo was going in the right direction in the realistic department, but now it looks like they're taking a step into the stupid department. Its like they want to make our favourite plumber look dumb and just plain silly. Kids obviously would not think this character is cool.

There is not the slightest bit of detail in this character. You can't tell what he even is! Whats that? Oh, overalls? Whats that, ah, a moustache? Whats this, oh, a badly developed character!

I'm gonna cut this review short and end is with one word: Dissapointing. I expected more from you, Nintendo. I really did.

The Good
You can stop looking at it.

The Bad
But you have to start looking at it first.



This is our new blog. We will be writing whatever the hell we want here, but there will probably be things about videogames and other crazy stuff that Kevyn and I just come up with. So stay tuned, I guess. If you don't, Crogabond might do the unspeakable.

He will hurt your blood.