In Which I Die Horribly In Dungeon Crawlers, Episode One

Dungeon Crawlers; a guilty pleasure of mine. I usually have no clue how to play them properly, and I die a whole bunch. [Fun Fact from Kevyn: Every time I play Nethack my character dies of food poisoning. EVERY TIME.]

I think they are fun though. A unique thing about most dungeon crawlers is that when you die, you ain't coming back. You're toast. While this may seem frustrating, it is actually fun to see how horribly or how cool your character can die. I have been playing a game called Dungeon Crawl Stone Soup that I quite like, which you can play here. I have decided to write down all the note-worthy deaths I have had in the game. Here goes!

Cargoschrub the Kenko smugly (well, as smug as a thing with a beak could get) walked down the long corridor, hefting his axe up and down in time with his walking pace. He was having no trouble making it through these dungeons. He slaughtered anything that happened to be a thing, and felt pretty good about himself flying and dodging over any traps that get in his way. He also found a cool amulet. Amulets are cool.

These are very good reasons for him to be smug, but he is feeling very good about himself for scaring the wits out of a poor little Goblin horde that was going to attempt to horribly kill Cargoschrub. They had a very swift and decided change of plans when they charged into the room to ambush him and saw that he was pulling the spine out of a fellow Goblinite's leg and eating it. Cargoschrub stopped in politeness and walked over to greet the Goblins with an axe to the dick, but the whole horde scattered in fear to any hiding place they could salvage. Although Cargoschrub did not get the chance to annihilate any of them, he was delighted to witness a Goblin stumble right into a bear trap it probably set down. Dumb shits.

Cargoschrub peered down the dark corridor and spotted a quaint blue wizard, unmoving in the next room. Cargoschrub was awfully confident though, and thundered towards the cloaked man. The wizard chuckled, and just as Cargoschrub blindly swung his axe in the man's direction, he vanished. There was a silence, and the bird-man scratched his head. "What the fuAUUUUGHH!" An inexplicable object crashed into the back of his head, and he toppled forwards. Cargoschrub quickly steadied and looked carefully around the room. Nothing. Silence. He stood still for a moment, and slowly tiptoed around to see if anything queer was still around. He supposed the wizard threw something to distract him and then ran off. Cargoschrub started to walk into another narrow corridor.

Just as he thought he was completely safe, many projectiles, fireballs he thought, bombarded him from all over. Battered and bruised, he started to run, and made it to the end of the corridor. The fireballs had stopped. Cargoschrub put his back against the wall and made a deep sigh of relief, which he could not completely finish thanks to the sword that quickly shot straight through his gut and out the other side. The wizards hands and his long sword had shot straight out of the wall. The last things that Cargoschrub remembered is the wizards loud chucking, and a realization.

The wizard is the dungeon.