Indie Review Had Done An Poo: R.O.C.K

Hello you! I am here doing a review, for you. Because you are just gorgeous. Look at you. You have been waiting AGES for me and Kevyn to deliver some content, and here it is. Contents! There are more than one! This is a review of an independent video game, which means that it believes in itself. So lets get right fucking into this Blinky Bill of an adventure!

It is called R.O.C.K., and that stands for Radioactive One-Eyed Critter Killer. You would think I am making a joke about what it stands for, but I am not! That is what it stands for. Tragic.

So basically, in the R.O.C.K. demo you play a little man wrapped in tinfoil that is encased in gelatin. So, basically Kevyn on a Sunday afternoon. This little man, who for the purpose of this review I will name Buns, has to go around a puke green cave shooting one-eyed green blobs with his rock gun. This game may have befitted from Buns actually shooting pure rock and roll out of his pistol, but no. Fuck off. Fuck you. He just shoots rocks that are bigger than his head. You can also faff about and collect Gumby's dicks to try and claim the high score.

Throughout the whole level, the same music plays. Music? No, sorry. That isn't what it is. It is a bzzt. It is nothing and everything. It is the droning. It the the fuckity click farting on a dick. The whole thing is a constant loud beat that lasts about 5 seconds long and loops over and over until your ears want to have an intervention. It makes me wonder, really; did the sick motherfucker who made this demo and it's music think this is acceptable? It'd be better with no music at all! I would rather a man of large heritage cut off some of his pubic hairs, rub his hands together with the pubes sandwiched in between them right next to my ear while I play the game. He could even rub a bit on my face! He would giggle about it! It is certainly a better time than whatever this game's musical experience has to offer to me.

The controls is balls. Well, I'm lying to you, I'm sorry, but it might as well be a big, greasy pair of them! Jumping in the game is very quick and slippery, so you are bound to mis-jump a lot. And if that isn't bad enough, later on in the level, you get hurt by spikes and insta-killed by green goo pools. These are everywhere, and you jump them with the tiniest platforms in the world at your very disposal.

Let me tell you, the goo pools are the absolute worst. One mistake, and you are back to the start of the demo. 3 mistakes, and all your lives are out and you are back at the beginning of the demo.

Mr. R.O.C.K. developer, sir. Please learn how games work, you giant cunt.

I wonder what Mr. R.O.C.K. decided to make this game. Is it his life aspiration? To magically make shit appear out of nothing? Does he hate humanity? Does he suck dicks? Who knows. I have stopped caring now. This game sucks. I give it no Blinky Bills out of 3 Blinky Bills.