MORE REALISM IN VIDEOGAMES???

Friends. I come to you today with some controversial news. See, games are getting very realistic today, good examples of realism come from the "Call Of Duty" and "Pokémon" series of video games. But couldn't we make them better. Couldn't we make them more real?

I would like to see penises, and more importantly, "boners" to be used in videogames. This will get gaming even closer to a new generation of the hardware. I mean, we all do it - even you, ladies! - so why aren't they in videogames? RIDDLE ME THIS, DEVELOPERS! If Mario is really human, if he was really real, man, and hit us close to home with his realistic nature that shows that he is really only a man, then why don't we ever see him get a chubby? He should fuck Princess Peach. Why hasn't he fucked Princess Peach? These are the questions that Gamers rack their minds over every hour of every day. I think, and I think I stand for gaming culture and the society of Gamers as a whole because I am a journalist, that developers should ease our worried minds.

If parents complain, fuck them. They have never played Metal Gear Solid. They don't know what it's like to be a Gamer. It's tough motherfucking shit, man. I say that kids should buy the games not knowing boners are involved to teach them more about life. The kids need to learn about what they are up against. We must inform the people, Gamers. Together as one.

TAPtapTAPtapTAP -- Paralyzed by Bad Fugu Nigiri

Some men like ponies. These men can accept their fate. Some men like discos. These men might have a harder time accepting their fate, but they have always known, deep inside their hearts. Their disco hearts.

Some men sing about Drunken Robot Pornography.

These men know what is going on. They strut the street like nobodies business, and are in your face like toxic waste. They are on this earth to show you, and only you, their true potential, and want to show you what they will become. They know where they are going, that's for certain.

But some dudes can't take it. They freak out. They crack. They take their sweaters and ironed pants, walk out the door, and leave Drunken Robot Pornography forever.

Not these men.

These men will shine. Shine.

P.S Dejobaan, your game totally worked it is fun to play. Can't wait 'till Musorqua!

Join the Dejobaan Chilling Out Broski's Fanclub here.

Ohshitohshitohshit

I have about five more minutes until midnight, and I forgot about Crogabond. Have an improvised rap, by Jace Van Kaathoven.

Yo yo yo yippee yo yippee yay,
I'm a badass motherfucker and there is hell to pay,
Yo yo yo yippee yo yippee hee,
I'm a bad motherfucker and I need to pee!

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS!
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

I'm down in the back there staring
While you there just ain't caring
I went and saw the colostomy
And find out, oh man I needa pee

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

A man thats name is Joe
With a back-alley watered-down hoe,
He went into the library,
with his golden sparkly key,
I was gonna follow him there,
but oh fuck! I need to pee!

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

Indiana Cones and the Kingdom of the Honey Nougat Double-Swirl Suprise

When we last saw Indiana Jones on screen, it was 1938, and the world stood on the brink of war as Dr. Jones chased down evildoers to find the Holy Grail. Nineteen years later, he’s cracking his... When we last saw Indiana Cones on screen, it was 1938, and the world stood on the brink of war as Dr. Cones chased down evildoers to find the Holy Banana Sundae. Nineteen years later, he’s cracking his licorice whip again, and many things have changed ... but some have remained the same, namely the fact that he is a humble ice cream salesman. Again, the world is at a precipice, this time caused by the specter of Gelati, and Indy’s struggle is once again to ensure that a precious, mysterious object remains safe from those bent on destroying humanity (Spoiler: the object has something to do with ice cream). Watch out, Shia LaBeouf! Action awaits in this nuclear-fridge styled family romp!

Jesus Hates Videogames; We're All Fucked

It has recently been discovered that the one and only, except God, Jesus Christ, hates the past time of video games. Video game journalist website Kotaku took the time out of their busy schedule of looking at Portal cakes some bloke made because it was his birthday to interview the man himself about the matter.

"What? Video games?" Jesus began, an arrogant smile on his face. "Fuck 'em. Worst use of space on this dime o' dozen planet since other religions.

"Like, shit, right? You see Buddha? Do you see that motherfucker? That motherfucker. Look at him. Fat shit wants to trample on my court. Look at his earlobes, there." At this point Mr. Christ fingered around his earlobes. "Like this, except faggin' HUGE! They are big. He had it comin'. What? What. Fuck you." At this point Jesus left the scene and Kotaku shit their pants and reported it on their website, using their "hilarious" censorship fish over the word "Jesus" and "Buddha" just in case anyone comes across Kotaku that is ignorant and offended of culture (i.e. everyone on the website). We have looked into the issue, and will report back soon.

CROGACITEMENT!!!1!

Does your bellybutton hurt from the pressure?! Me neither, because it's time for Crogacitement!!!1! Here are some things Crogacitement will include:
* Terrible writing, every day!
* Hilarious antics! Expect Kevyn and me chasing each other around a grocery store.
* Entertaining musics and veedios!
* Underlying secrets revealed(?)
* Lying apricots
* TANKS!
* Interesting moral decisions! YOU choose if the people die!
* Melancholy Kevyn! Depressing stories from the deep.
* Attacks from German gentlemen!
* Tackling midgets that are minding their business in the park!
* E. Oh? Nothing. I just think E is a pretty cool letter.
* B. Oh, sorry. Just thinking of things that rhyme with "E".
* Ruckus-starting! Excitable Kevyn causing a ruckus in public places, maybe in the future!
* Obvious anagrams.
* Sexy audio styling of our favourite jazz-vocal stylist, Bo Jangles!!




Oh, Bo Jangles! Bo Jangles!

The Ballad of Geoff the Robot

Children, we have a special gift for you today. Something that I have been working on for a few days, to make sure I had a version that didn't kill you. It is the tale of our good friend, the mild mannered and pleasant: Geoff the Robot Butler. You are guaranteed to love the journey Geoff takes, from his humble butler roots, to his final job as a butler. It truly is a success story of the way we live today. Anyhow, let not my words muffle the pure word of song; here it is.



You may remember Geoff from his earlier appearances on the Crogabond experience;
Here we find the original poem that served as the basis for the lyrics to the song,
and here a comic, displaying some of the everyday life of Geoff. He sure is everybody's favourite metal pal!