Last thing that could possibly be invented, invented.

Call up the Nobel Prize people, we just found a winner. Of course, now that everything that could possibly be invented has been invented, scientific research will come to a standstill. No one will mind, obviously, because we will all be having rocking parties with our COUCHBUNKS.

Inception videogame might happen, will make you fall asleep

Director of the new Batman movies, Inception, and the upcoming Cap'n Crunch Begins announced that he would like to make a videogame adaption of Inception. Nothing else has been said on this front, but we can only hope that it is an MMO. That would be great. Totally customizable content; mess about with other peoples dreams so there are shock images all over the place! Make your totem a giant floppy dong! Friend of yours says he doesn't like butts? Go into his dreams and convince him that he likes butts. The fate of the ultimate sand man is in your hands!!!

Where In The World Is Kevyn Arthur Stott?

(The service wherein Kevyn deletes picutres of himself with dicks photoshopped on -Ed)

Aaaah Kevyn Stott. What a great little man he was. Although he has seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. Or like, gone camping or something. And as you can see with your eyes on THIS SCREEN, in his absence I have decided to restart Crogabond a bit. I will post every day for a while, and once Kevyn gets home we'll probably sort out some posting schedule thing. Probably. Hopefully the man, the legend, the yiffer is back soon!

WE<3UKEVYNXOXOOX

Mario X-rayed, is the skeleton from Decap Attack

This is a pretty awesome thing, really. Mario has a kind of fucked up body shape, doesn't he?

Jace Reviews Recettear

Jace's Videos Of The Mizzy-Month: princess leiya will princess paya

Hello, you pretty little muchkins! You sexy little cuntgremlins! You clambering, shrivel-laden clit rings! Uncle Jace and Haste is here to bring you the first installation of "Jace's Videos Of The Mizzy-Month! This one for August, TWENTY TO THE TEN HUNGRY HIPPOS. Thats a lot of hungry hippos. Now, take them away. No, no. No! Take them away right now! There, see? They're gone. The hungry hippos are gone. Now GAZE UPON THESE VIDEOS THEY WILL HELP DISTRACT FROM THE MISSING HIPPOS


This is pretty funny. I know the whole Rick Astley is old now you guys, but this is just hilarious. I wish more people did this! Because instead of going "Oaw fucking hungry hippos, not another one of these Rick Rolls", things like these would come around that change it up every so often, and instead you would be like "Woah! What a pleasant fucking surprise." It makes it less of a chore and more of a thing that kicks ass. So hey! Internet! Quit being unfunny and annoying! You bunch of uncreative dungweasels!

Alright, internet. I'll let you off this time. But next time, you won't be so lucky.


I don't even need to say anything. Just about everything this video has for your eyes to gaze upon is nigh on perfection.


This is a pretty interesting idea. Has someone ever started a blog where they document/videotape themselves travelling the world fuckin' hookers and shit and telling of their wonderful adventures? We can only hope.


And we end with this video of this man singing the songs people sang about videogames. He is very good, and has a nice goatee/beard, so he can sleep happy knowing that he is the last but not least in the carnival of Crogabond cranklies for August. Happy shoe-dancing, and make sure not to tread on those there dream-boots on your way out, you shitkicker.

Kids Time

Hello little children, it's time for an update just for you! Now, do you all like the Crogabond Crab?

Yes? Well then, you are going to love his friend, the Crogabond Crater-beast!

Say hello, Crater-beast!

Hello!

Say hello to your new friend, Crab!

Isn't that nice.

The Best Dream

Soyvoyage: Totally dreamed about fuckin' this girl.
Soyvoyage: Shits so cash.
Kaatridge: Feels good man.
Soyvoyage: She was pretty nice about it.
Kaatridge: I see.
Kaatridge: And then while she was riding you you looked down and then looked back up at her face and it was me.
Soyvoyage: NO
Soyvoyage: FUKKA YOU.
Kaatridge: And then you wake up with a boner.
Soyvoyage: OH SHIT.
Soyvoyage: NOPE]
Soyvoyage: NIEO
Kaatridge: That would be a great comic.
Soyvoyage: NO WAY
Soyvoyage: NOT HAPPY WITH THATt
Soyvoyage: AT ALL
Kaatridge: I am laughing my ass off.
Kaatridge: "And then you wake up with a boner" should be the ending to all stories.
Soyvoyage: and thats how I was late for work.

The spreading fields of Jackie Chan

Now I know what you are all thinking; "When is Jace going to create the most epic piece of music ever to exist upon this humble earth?"
The answer is: Some minutes ago, and in fact I have it for you now.
One thing is very important when you listen to this tune, try not to shit your pants because of how good it is. One minute you are gliding across the Jackie Chan fields like an eagle, the next you are battling Jackie Chan against evil, laying siege to Jackie Chan Castle on the outskirts of Jackie Chan village. I asked Jace for brief comment on how he came up with this incredible musical experience.

" So there I was, in the bathroom peeing in the sink and masturbating to see what happens, when I thought "WHAT IF I SUNG "JACKIE CHAN" TO THE HYRULE FIELD SONG" And here we are."

Here we are indeed, Jace! Here on the fields of Jackie Chan!

(Be careful not to blow your mind)

Of Possums and Pleasure

Kaatridge: We might be getting a possum, and I am naming it if so apparently. Neato.
Soyvoyage: Call it "Cuntsucker"
Kaatridge: I don't think it will live up to it's name, though. It is bound not to suck many cunts.
Soyvoyage: Unless you trained it!
Kaatridge: I'm not going to train it to suck cunts.
Soyvoyage: Why not!? The girls would love you for it.
Kaatridge: I don't want the girls to love me for having a possum that can suck their baby holes.
Soyvoyage: What else the fuck do you want them to love you for? Your qualities!? PFFFFFFFFFFFFFF, YEAH RIGHT.
The only way you are going to get any ever, is if you teach a possum to pleasure the ladies.
It can't be that hard. Put some nuts in there or something. Possums eat nuts, don't they?
Haha, if they eat nuts, maybe you should get it to blow DUDES off! Then you wouldn't NEED the ladies to love you!
Kaatridge: I am amused.
Soyvoyage: Jiggle physics.
Kaatridge: On the possum?
Soyvoyage: Give it tits, why not.
Kaatridge: It is a girl possum
Soyvoyage: Even better! Then it will be easy to get married it won't be gay.
Kaatridge: I need to stop forgetting that I am talking to a furry.
Soyvoyage: Dude, not cool.
Kaatridge: It isn't cool at all.
Soyvoyage: This has nothing to do with me being a furry. I don't want a possum to suck me off, I am just telling YOU, tat it is a possibility.
Kaatridge: Not one I want in my future.
Soyvoyage: Your loss, buddy.

Indie Review Had Done An Poo: R.O.C.K

Hello you! I am here doing a review, for you. Because you are just gorgeous. Look at you. You have been waiting AGES for me and Kevyn to deliver some content, and here it is. Contents! There are more than one! This is a review of an independent video game, which means that it believes in itself. So lets get right fucking into this Blinky Bill of an adventure!

It is called R.O.C.K., and that stands for Radioactive One-Eyed Critter Killer. You would think I am making a joke about what it stands for, but I am not! That is what it stands for. Tragic.

So basically, in the R.O.C.K. demo you play a little man wrapped in tinfoil that is encased in gelatin. So, basically Kevyn on a Sunday afternoon. This little man, who for the purpose of this review I will name Buns, has to go around a puke green cave shooting one-eyed green blobs with his rock gun. This game may have befitted from Buns actually shooting pure rock and roll out of his pistol, but no. Fuck off. Fuck you. He just shoots rocks that are bigger than his head. You can also faff about and collect Gumby's dicks to try and claim the high score.

Throughout the whole level, the same music plays. Music? No, sorry. That isn't what it is. It is a bzzt. It is nothing and everything. It is the droning. It the the fuckity click farting on a dick. The whole thing is a constant loud beat that lasts about 5 seconds long and loops over and over until your ears want to have an intervention. It makes me wonder, really; did the sick motherfucker who made this demo and it's music think this is acceptable? It'd be better with no music at all! I would rather a man of large heritage cut off some of his pubic hairs, rub his hands together with the pubes sandwiched in between them right next to my ear while I play the game. He could even rub a bit on my face! He would giggle about it! It is certainly a better time than whatever this game's musical experience has to offer to me.

The controls is balls. Well, I'm lying to you, I'm sorry, but it might as well be a big, greasy pair of them! Jumping in the game is very quick and slippery, so you are bound to mis-jump a lot. And if that isn't bad enough, later on in the level, you get hurt by spikes and insta-killed by green goo pools. These are everywhere, and you jump them with the tiniest platforms in the world at your very disposal.

Let me tell you, the goo pools are the absolute worst. One mistake, and you are back to the start of the demo. 3 mistakes, and all your lives are out and you are back at the beginning of the demo.

Mr. R.O.C.K. developer, sir. Please learn how games work, you giant cunt.

I wonder what Mr. R.O.C.K. decided to make this game. Is it his life aspiration? To magically make shit appear out of nothing? Does he hate humanity? Does he suck dicks? Who knows. I have stopped caring now. This game sucks. I give it no Blinky Bills out of 3 Blinky Bills.

Solicitors

Sorry kids, about the lack of updates, but there is one great big problem we have been having. Solicitors! Lots of them. They keep on bursting into the Crogabond office and demanding that we let them solicit things, that we should stop burning down small villages in Holland for laughs, but let me tell you we have NO NEED FOR THEIR NONSENSE. While we have a tiny break from their solicitrous ways, we have uploaded this little snippet of conversation recorded between Jace and one of the many solicitors that are currently plaguing the Crogabond office.

Oh my fucking god it hurts: Crogcast 3

HOLD ON TO YOUR FUCKSTICKS! Crogcast 3 is here, with the combined efforts of me, Kevyn and a bunch of technical problems!

LAUGH as Jace and Kevyn's recording equipment go awry!
SCREAM in terror at the terrible audio quality!
KNEEL in dismay at the terribleness of everything!

EDIT: Hey kids! You can hear you good pal me! (Kevyn) For most of it now! Hooray!
DOWNLOAD HERE

BANANA IMPERSONATING

A bit ago, Kotaku made an article that inspired me. The article was about meat shaped as a spaceship. And that has inspired me to make me very own food-related impersonations of things. I now present you, Banana Theater. For my first impersonation, my banana will be doing a spot-on job at being like star-comedian, Jim Carrey.

Iron Man

Ahh, Iron. The noblest of metals. The Ferrous Pharaoh. The Emperor of the Periodic Table.
Popular culture has brought us many "Super-Heroes", but I ask of you, where is "Spider" on the periodic table? Where is "Super"? I certainly don't see any element "Wolverine" on there. This is because all of those ridiculous ideas are UNSCIENTIFIC. The civilized world can only rely on ONE "Super-Hero". One who is named after something we TRUST. I speak of course of the infinitely stable and unchangeable: IRON.

Now, all of ye may join in the Iron man song, in order to cleanse yourself of your filthy sins.

Rap LAte Post Follow Up

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

I WENT TO MY FRIEND'S SALON
WHERE HE WENT AND SUCKED ON A TAMPON
THEY SAW HIM AND TO THEIR VERY FRIGHT
HE FUCKED THEM 'TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

BUTTS AND DUDES AND MEN
AND A DELIGHTFUL MAN NAMED KEN
TOOK A STROLL TO THE WAREHOUSE ONE
AND FUCKED THIS GUY NATE UP THE BUM!

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

Kid sledgehammers father to death for getting grounded, deserves it 100%

People like this disgust me to the very core. Seriously here, Gamers. Lets have a huddle up. We need to talk about this.

A fourteen year old boy was just minding his own business, playing Unreal Tournament and fraggin' n00bs as us Gamers are typically doing, when his lame-o dad interrupted him and banned him from video games for playing for a week straight. What a dick! That is goddamn peanuts to us Gamers; he should really have some respect.

So, what did fourteen year-old Russian boy, who I will now call Thomas Storm, do about this? He sneaked into his parent's room at night and RUINED HIS SHIT WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER. Twice. Thomas did the right thing; serves the man right. No one, and I mean NO ONE, screws around with a Gamer's game time. That is our pride and joy, man. You can't just take that away from us hardcores. The kid is showing younger and unaware Gamers what to do if banned from video games by your totally bogus parents; kill them with a sledgehammer. It's the right thing to do.

And hey, look what he got! His mother was so proud of him she gave him the keyboard and mouse back so he could get back to playing. What a legend! Lets hope more mums learn from her Maybe one day they will be playing Gears of War like the rest of us!

I'm tired and drunk

Oh jesus christ its ssider-man

WHaat the fuck are uyoi ever doing here spider-man hooly shit dude i mean fuck

Fuckin' spidderman. Look at you, ytyou motherfucker uou.

Don'yt look at me like that spider-man! fuck you spiderman gho get a desk job.