BANANA IMPERSONATING

A bit ago, Kotaku made an article that inspired me. The article was about meat shaped as a spaceship. And that has inspired me to make me very own food-related impersonations of things. I now present you, Banana Theater. For my first impersonation, my banana will be doing a spot-on job at being like star-comedian, Jim Carrey.

Iron Man

Ahh, Iron. The noblest of metals. The Ferrous Pharaoh. The Emperor of the Periodic Table.
Popular culture has brought us many "Super-Heroes", but I ask of you, where is "Spider" on the periodic table? Where is "Super"? I certainly don't see any element "Wolverine" on there. This is because all of those ridiculous ideas are UNSCIENTIFIC. The civilized world can only rely on ONE "Super-Hero". One who is named after something we TRUST. I speak of course of the infinitely stable and unchangeable: IRON.

Now, all of ye may join in the Iron man song, in order to cleanse yourself of your filthy sins.

Rap LAte Post Follow Up

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

I WENT TO MY FRIEND'S SALON
WHERE HE WENT AND SUCKED ON A TAMPON
THEY SAW HIM AND TO THEIR VERY FRIGHT
HE FUCKED THEM 'TILL THE END OF THE NIGHT

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

BUTTS AND DUDES AND MEN
AND A DELIGHTFUL MAN NAMED KEN
TOOK A STROLL TO THE WAREHOUSE ONE
AND FUCKED THIS GUY NATE UP THE BUM!

MY PANTS ARE STOLEN
MUST DEFEND THEM, MUST NEVER GOT STOLEN
OH, OH, PANTS = STOLEN
THEY ARE STUCK, OH FUCK, STUCK IN MY COLON

Kid sledgehammers father to death for getting grounded, deserves it 100%

People like this disgust me to the very core. Seriously here, Gamers. Lets have a huddle up. We need to talk about this.

A fourteen year old boy was just minding his own business, playing Unreal Tournament and fraggin' n00bs as us Gamers are typically doing, when his lame-o dad interrupted him and banned him from video games for playing for a week straight. What a dick! That is goddamn peanuts to us Gamers; he should really have some respect.

So, what did fourteen year-old Russian boy, who I will now call Thomas Storm, do about this? He sneaked into his parent's room at night and RUINED HIS SHIT WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER. Twice. Thomas did the right thing; serves the man right. No one, and I mean NO ONE, screws around with a Gamer's game time. That is our pride and joy, man. You can't just take that away from us hardcores. The kid is showing younger and unaware Gamers what to do if banned from video games by your totally bogus parents; kill them with a sledgehammer. It's the right thing to do.

And hey, look what he got! His mother was so proud of him she gave him the keyboard and mouse back so he could get back to playing. What a legend! Lets hope more mums learn from her Maybe one day they will be playing Gears of War like the rest of us!

I'm tired and drunk

Oh jesus christ its ssider-man

WHaat the fuck are uyoi ever doing here spider-man hooly shit dude i mean fuck

Fuckin' spidderman. Look at you, ytyou motherfucker uou.

Don'yt look at me like that spider-man! fuck you spiderman gho get a desk job.

Kevyn's Fiktion Korner #2

While looking through a little old exercise book I used for rpg notes, I found this. Bon appetit!

Following the descriptions scrawled across the lines of his almanac, Hemulos wandered through the littered streets of downtown Daggons in search of a prophet. Initially his directions seemed to imply some sort of epic journey, and although he had met "Many Challenges" (a nice man who pointed him towards the east end) and what he sought did, in fact, come after a "Long Trek" (some sort of camping shop) he did feel a bit disappointed. The note had more or less an exact address on it. Hemulos stood outside the door. It was not the tiny cottage hidden deep in the moors of Scotland he had imagined. A neon light flickered on directly above the door "XXX!" it exclaimed unabashedly.

"X marks the spot." thought Hemulos, and satisfied, he skipped down the steps towards a harshly lit office.

He stood in the middle of the room taking in his surroundings. The lemon paint peeling off the walls, the musty smell rising from the carpet, and the plastic potplants made him feel a bit nostalgic.

"Sir, the club is upstairs." Said a nasally, deep noise from behind him. Hemulos turned about to see a man pointing at the roof. Although he hadn't expected the prophet to be a middle aged turkish man with sparse amounts of bling, it did seem strangely fitting. Underneath the mans comb-over and moustache his teeth sparkled as he performed his most alluring smile.

"Er... no." explained Hemulos, "Prophecies?"

"Ah!" the man became animated. "You are my first customer in a long time! My name is Akmal, may I ask yours?"

"Hemulos, like the moon, apparently." He replied reluctantly.

"Hemulos moon! That is very special, you are chosen one. Do you know what that means?" there was a meaningful pause. "Chosen-one Discount!"

Journalist makes Pokemon character using dress-up flash thing, stop the fucking presses

It has been reported on Kotaku that Mr. Brian Ashcraft, video game journalist extraordinaire, made a dress-up your own little Pokemon trainer of himself, and reported it on Kotaku. I guess because there was nothing better to post. The picture he made follows:

It shows Mr. Ashcraft in his normal environment, in the land of Pokemon, with his best friend the demented penguin. It seems Brian Ashcraft has also reported a picture he made of himself on a flash dress-up thing which is called "Make Your Own Cockface". That picture is also as follows.

Crogabond will look more into this matter, and e-mail Brian Ashcraft for an interview or perhaps his views on being a Pokemon trainer. If there is any other Pokemon Trainer Brian Ashcraft news to come out of the press, Crogabond will be sure to report it.

Former Infinity Ward guys form new company, start a clinic

Former heads of Infinity Ward, Jason Action and Vince Punishment have decided to form their own company, Respawn Entertainment. They are very happy about this change, and say they will be making new and original games. Crogabond has gotten exclusive info on their first new game!

DON'T SHIT YOUR PANTS, KIDS! It's Call of War: Modern Fighting! You play a character named Pope McLavish, and you fight the Russian's cousins, the Brussians! in a near future situation! Pack your guns tight and your commandos closer in this fresh new take on the war genre!

Fufcvxj

I have not prepared a news post today, so have some pictures I found on Google Images when I searched "take it".

These two robots are very sad about America!

BUTTS!

The tree wants to have a serious talk with you about this.


And then there were there. Were.

First Annual Kevyn Stott Award for the Outstanding Excellence of Achievement

Yes, The Weekenders. More than just a show, a way of life. Many of us, in our weekends, have felt the same feelings as the characters of the weekenders. Many of us have gone to parties without clowns, many of us have done other things. But when it all comes down to it, in our lives, some of things we have done, we have done on weekends. I think that is what this show is here to tell us.

Slightly less stupidly, I actually really enjoy this show. After a recent nostalgia trip with Jace I discovered again, and unlike other shows which had lost their allure, The Weekenders still really holds strong as a show. At this point I expect I am slightly out of the target demographic, the show being about a bunch of 12 year olds. That is what makes it exceptionally outstanding, I still think it is a good show, I still think it is funny, and it can still teach me about life with it's obvious morals.
Anyway, if you haven't seen the show give it a look up on youtube. It has a good theme song, also.

LATER DAYS!

Sleep Is Death: Jace In Space

A Delightful E-Mail

Tonight Kevyn and I have been eagerly awaiting the download for the video game we purchased called Sleep Is Death, which should be coming any second now. About half an hour ago, I checked my e-mail, expecting Sleep Is Death, but what do I get but a wonderful e-mail from a top-sounding motherfucker named Graham! Here it is, in it's entirety:


Hi from Graham‏
From: Graham Solarzano (cuwmalt@arnet.com.ar)
Sent: Friday, 9 April 2010 10:50:38 AM
To: Jacevk (Jacevk@hotmail.com)

Pics=Of=Goddesses!_IMean~It .,
<..><,,><..><,,><..>
. . . . . . . .
underneath admiring by things .. In so sleeve? Or Frank's Male ! hprwuxyx
As brawls? Is a Philosophy waterproof ,.


And that is it. Words to live by, if you ask me. Which you wouldn't, but you know. Anyway, have a poem I wrote about the man, the legend, the Graham Solarzano.

Exciting French

Click It

MORE REALISM IN VIDEOGAMES???

Friends. I come to you today with some controversial news. See, games are getting very realistic today, good examples of realism come from the "Call Of Duty" and "Pokémon" series of video games. But couldn't we make them better. Couldn't we make them more real?

I would like to see penises, and more importantly, "boners" to be used in videogames. This will get gaming even closer to a new generation of the hardware. I mean, we all do it - even you, ladies! - so why aren't they in videogames? RIDDLE ME THIS, DEVELOPERS! If Mario is really human, if he was really real, man, and hit us close to home with his realistic nature that shows that he is really only a man, then why don't we ever see him get a chubby? He should fuck Princess Peach. Why hasn't he fucked Princess Peach? These are the questions that Gamers rack their minds over every hour of every day. I think, and I think I stand for gaming culture and the society of Gamers as a whole because I am a journalist, that developers should ease our worried minds.

If parents complain, fuck them. They have never played Metal Gear Solid. They don't know what it's like to be a Gamer. It's tough motherfucking shit, man. I say that kids should buy the games not knowing boners are involved to teach them more about life. The kids need to learn about what they are up against. We must inform the people, Gamers. Together as one.

TAPtapTAPtapTAP -- Paralyzed by Bad Fugu Nigiri

Some men like ponies. These men can accept their fate. Some men like discos. These men might have a harder time accepting their fate, but they have always known, deep inside their hearts. Their disco hearts.

Some men sing about Drunken Robot Pornography.

These men know what is going on. They strut the street like nobodies business, and are in your face like toxic waste. They are on this earth to show you, and only you, their true potential, and want to show you what they will become. They know where they are going, that's for certain.

But some dudes can't take it. They freak out. They crack. They take their sweaters and ironed pants, walk out the door, and leave Drunken Robot Pornography forever.

Not these men.

These men will shine. Shine.

P.S Dejobaan, your game totally worked it is fun to play. Can't wait 'till Musorqua!

Join the Dejobaan Chilling Out Broski's Fanclub here.

Ohshitohshitohshit

I have about five more minutes until midnight, and I forgot about Crogabond. Have an improvised rap, by Jace Van Kaathoven.

Yo yo yo yippee yo yippee yay,
I'm a badass motherfucker and there is hell to pay,
Yo yo yo yippee yo yippee hee,
I'm a bad motherfucker and I need to pee!

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS!
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

I'm down in the back there staring
While you there just ain't caring
I went and saw the colostomy
And find out, oh man I needa pee

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

A man thats name is Joe
With a back-alley watered-down hoe,
He went into the library,
with his golden sparkly key,
I was gonna follow him there,
but oh fuck! I need to pee!

OH! OH PEE MY PANTS
OH! OH JUST MUST DANCE!
JUST MUST DANCE BEFORE I PEE MA PANTS!

Indiana Cones and the Kingdom of the Honey Nougat Double-Swirl Suprise

When we last saw Indiana Jones on screen, it was 1938, and the world stood on the brink of war as Dr. Jones chased down evildoers to find the Holy Grail. Nineteen years later, he’s cracking his... When we last saw Indiana Cones on screen, it was 1938, and the world stood on the brink of war as Dr. Cones chased down evildoers to find the Holy Banana Sundae. Nineteen years later, he’s cracking his licorice whip again, and many things have changed ... but some have remained the same, namely the fact that he is a humble ice cream salesman. Again, the world is at a precipice, this time caused by the specter of Gelati, and Indy’s struggle is once again to ensure that a precious, mysterious object remains safe from those bent on destroying humanity (Spoiler: the object has something to do with ice cream). Watch out, Shia LaBeouf! Action awaits in this nuclear-fridge styled family romp!

Jesus Hates Videogames; We're All Fucked

It has recently been discovered that the one and only, except God, Jesus Christ, hates the past time of video games. Video game journalist website Kotaku took the time out of their busy schedule of looking at Portal cakes some bloke made because it was his birthday to interview the man himself about the matter.

"What? Video games?" Jesus began, an arrogant smile on his face. "Fuck 'em. Worst use of space on this dime o' dozen planet since other religions.

"Like, shit, right? You see Buddha? Do you see that motherfucker? That motherfucker. Look at him. Fat shit wants to trample on my court. Look at his earlobes, there." At this point Mr. Christ fingered around his earlobes. "Like this, except faggin' HUGE! They are big. He had it comin'. What? What. Fuck you." At this point Jesus left the scene and Kotaku shit their pants and reported it on their website, using their "hilarious" censorship fish over the word "Jesus" and "Buddha" just in case anyone comes across Kotaku that is ignorant and offended of culture (i.e. everyone on the website). We have looked into the issue, and will report back soon.

CROGACITEMENT!!!1!

Does your bellybutton hurt from the pressure?! Me neither, because it's time for Crogacitement!!!1! Here are some things Crogacitement will include:
* Terrible writing, every day!
* Hilarious antics! Expect Kevyn and me chasing each other around a grocery store.
* Entertaining musics and veedios!
* Underlying secrets revealed(?)
* Lying apricots
* TANKS!
* Interesting moral decisions! YOU choose if the people die!
* Melancholy Kevyn! Depressing stories from the deep.
* Attacks from German gentlemen!
* Tackling midgets that are minding their business in the park!
* E. Oh? Nothing. I just think E is a pretty cool letter.
* B. Oh, sorry. Just thinking of things that rhyme with "E".
* Ruckus-starting! Excitable Kevyn causing a ruckus in public places, maybe in the future!
* Obvious anagrams.
* Sexy audio styling of our favourite jazz-vocal stylist, Bo Jangles!!




Oh, Bo Jangles! Bo Jangles!

The Ballad of Geoff the Robot

Children, we have a special gift for you today. Something that I have been working on for a few days, to make sure I had a version that didn't kill you. It is the tale of our good friend, the mild mannered and pleasant: Geoff the Robot Butler. You are guaranteed to love the journey Geoff takes, from his humble butler roots, to his final job as a butler. It truly is a success story of the way we live today. Anyhow, let not my words muffle the pure word of song; here it is.



You may remember Geoff from his earlier appearances on the Crogabond experience;
Here we find the original poem that served as the basis for the lyrics to the song,
and here a comic, displaying some of the everyday life of Geoff. He sure is everybody's favourite metal pal!